Leadership, Identity, and Choosing How to Show Up
“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.”
—Rollo May
There are quotes that sound good in a keynote speech—and then there are quotes that live in your head when the pressure hits. For me, it’s this one.
Rollo May wasn’t some Twitter philosopher or LinkedIn thought leader. He was a clinical psychologist—rooted in the tradition of existentialism. His work focused on the core questions that matter: How do we find meaning? How do we live authentically? How do we lead—not just others, but ourselves—when the world offers no guarantees?
This quote sticks because it’s not flashy. It’s not “grind harder.” It’s not “fail fast.” It’s quieter. Slower. It’s about the discipline of choice. The pause between what happens to you and how you decide to respond. And in leadership—real leadership—that pause is everything.
We spend so much time talking about how leaders should act. But we don’t spend enough time talking about how leaders choose.
The Alpha and the Sigma
We’ve built modern leadership archetypes around personalities. Alpha males. Sigma males. It’s all over the internet now—oversimplified and often weaponized. But if you strip away the noise, there’s value in the distinction.
The Alpha male is the traditional dominant force. He leads from the front. He speaks first, acts fast, and controls the room. Alphas are often decisive, assertive, and unapologetically visible. There’s utility in that energy—especially in situations that require immediate direction or unwavering conviction.
But Alpha energy can tip. When not grounded in self-awareness, it becomes ego-driven. It mistakes volume for vision. It prizes dominance over dialogue. It can bulldoze nuance, alienate team members, and confuse fear with respect. And in a world that’s increasingly collaborative, that rigidity can isolate more than it inspires.
The Sigma male, on the other hand, operates differently. He leads from the edge of the room, not the center. Sigmas don’t seek attention—they attract it through presence, not performance. They watch. Analyze. Wait. And then move—deliberately, quietly, often with more precision than flash.
But Sigmas have their blind spots too. The comfort of autonomy can turn into isolation. The tendency to observe can bleed into paralysis. When taken too far, their independence becomes disconnection. They can under-communicate, overthink, or disappear when visibility is actually what the moment calls for. In crisis, a leader who says nothing can be just as damaging as one who says too much.
The Leader I Aim to Be
I’ve always identified more with Sigma energy. Not because I’m better than Alpha types, but because it’s simply where I feel most natural. I’ve never needed the spotlight to validate my worth. I’m more interested in what people say about me when I’m not in the room than in how loudly I can command it.
I connect quietly. I listen first. I evaluate, observe patterns, read energy, and then move—with focused intention. When things go wrong, I’m the one advocating for the team in the chaos. When things go right, I defer credit. It’s not humility for show. It’s just how I think leadership should work. If the team wins, they should own it. If the wheels come off, that’s on me.
But I’m not flawless in this. There have been moments I should’ve spoken sooner. Times I stayed back when my presence would’ve provided reassurance. Times I let my comfort in the background turn into silence. I’ve watched decisions get made that didn’t align with my values—and only realized later that my absence created space for those decisions to go unchecked.
That’s why Rollo May’s quote cuts so deep. Because that pause? That space between stimulus and response? That’s where leadership actually happens. Not in the reaction. Not in the strategy doc. But in that quiet second when you decide who you’re going to be and what you’re going to stand for.
I’ve learned—sometimes the hard way—that leadership isn’t just about being effective. It’s about being intentional. Showing up when it’s inconvenient. Saying something when it’s uncomfortable. Choosing visibility not for ego, but for accountability.
So now, I’m working on sharpening both edges.
Still listening. Still measured. Still Sigma at the core.
But also speaking when it counts.
Leaning in before being asked.
Choosing to be present, even when it means being seen.
I don’t claim perfection. But I do claim ownership. I’ve failed publicly and quietly. I’ve misread situations and misunderstood people. But I’ve also built trust, created space for others to lead, and navigated chaos with a steady hand. My worth doesn’t live in how many eyes are on me. It lives in the impact I leave behind—and the growth I demand from myself.
Leadership Is a Choice. Every Time.
So maybe the takeaway is this: don’t get distracted by the label—Alpha, Sigma, whatever comes next. Start with how you lead yourself. Do you react, or do you respond? Do you chase control, or do you create clarity?
Real leadership doesn’t need to prove itself. But it does need to show up. With presence. With awareness. And yes—with pause.
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Let’s talk.
Do you lean Alpha? Sigma? Or something in between?
Have you learned to lead differently over time?
Drop a comment below. I want to hear how you show up—and where you’re still learning to pause.
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